Biodiversity and the mess in my head

This morning I noticed a Facebook post that said something to the effect that mindfulness is an attempt to make not only your home but also your mind Pinterest worthy - neat and organized. I don’t remember the source of this post but the statement that mindfulness practice is about order resonated. My experience with mindfulness started with a parenting book. Mindful Parenting I think it was called (I gave it away a few years ago and don’t remember the exact title).  I am one of those people who always feel like an imposter and never good enough. Parenting is a fertile ground for this kind of attitude and after having cross referenced about 30 different parenting books (I am a researcher and curious at heart), the only one I kept holding on to was the one on mindfulness. I liked the aspect of careful listening and slowing down. What derailed my enthusiasm for this technique was the disciplined practice of purely living in the present, in the here and now. 

After years of wrestling myself into this narrow concept I couldn’t master after all, I am now realizing that my mind will never be Pinterest or Martha Stuart or Zen or whatever the newest lifestyle goal is, worthy.  

My mind doesn’t work like that. I need my thoughts to cross pollinate. I thrive in the messy entanglement of past, present and future, of English, German, Italian, Swedish, the mysterious Icelandic and any new unknown language perspective, of day and night, of neat and messy and cold and warm, of black and red and anything in-between. I am not talking watercolor style gentle blurring, I am talking storms blowing parts from one side of my brain to the other - cross-pollination in its fullest. Biodiversity in my thoughts. And just like nature, it will never be perfect, mostly look a bit messy and always be good enough as long as the complex entanglement and richness of content have enough room to mingle and grow.